Nitzavim-Va'Yeilech: And That's Why It Hurts More...

Already in my limited experience as a rabbi, I've realized something very interesting about family relationships, albeit very sad. There isn't a person out there who isn't dealing with some degree of family intrigue. There's always some branch of the family that no one speaks to. Every family seems to have a black sheep that none of your relatives keeps in touch with, and if you can't figure out who it is, it might be you! It's unpleasant, it's hurtful, it can even become violent, yet it is ubiquitous. And what this tells me is that family relationships are in a category all their own. The rabbis talk about "Mitzvot Bein Adam La-chaveiro" - commandments between people - but there's a big difference between dealing with people and dealing with family.

For many people, the pain of a family feud runs terribly deep, and feels irreparable. But continuing to allow it to fester is just as painful, if not more so. When we fight with a friend, we can choose to go our separate ways and never speak again. But family members are always there; for better or worse, they are a part of who we are. And when I say "better or worse," I really mean that. It is sad to hear about how bitter some family relationships have become, especially when they can be such a blessing. On the other hand, if you are blessed to have wonderful siblings, you know that it's like having a best friend for life! Most people may not be able to achieve that, but at the very least we should all strive to create cordial and friendly relations with our family members. Regardless of who started it, nothing is going to change unless you take the first step.

In Pirkei Avot (Ethics of our Fathers), Rabbi Eliezer informs us, "Repent one day before you die." Well how the heck is one supposed to do that? How can we know when we are going to die? But that's precisely the point. You never know when you're going to run out of chances to repent, or in our case to make amends, so don't waste time. There's nothing unique about the High Holidays this year. 2009, or 5770 in the Jewish calendar, is going to be just like every other year. If you let it be. It can be another year of continuing grudges, of ill will, and feuding. Or it can be the year that everything changed. Hillel the Elder taught us, "If not now, when?" You're running out of opportunities, and you know you will regret it when it's too late.

I have no doubt that it's hard. But life isn't about making easy choices or sticking with safe options. There's no question that family relationships are the most fraught with challenge. They are infinitely more complicated because they can be so much more rewarding. Blood is definitely thicker than water, which makes it more precious and life-sustaining. But that's also why it hurts more.