Yitro: Striving to be "Dad"

It's been a while since I wrote something from a parenting perspective. Since this week's parashah contains the Ten Commandments (and there's something in there about moms and dads...), I thought I'd seize the opportunity to revisit the topic. 

Don't worry; this won't all be about my daughter. Most people know that the Ten Commandments contains a parenting law, but I'm not sure everyone is aware of what the wording actually says. Commandment #5 reads, "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12). It is interesting that the law isn't to love your parents or even obey them; it very intentionally says "honor," and nearly every single translation renders it the same way. What's the difference?

God doesn't command love. Well, unless it's towards God, I suppose. In Deuteronomy, in the chapter that later famously becomes the Shema prayer, it says, "You shall love Adonai, your God, with all your heart, all your soul, and all your might" (Deut. 6:5). But other than God, we 

cannot be commanded to love other humans. And it's a hard thing to speak about, but we all know that there are some terrible parents out there. Heck, we've got some rough examples of that in the Torah itself! How can you FORCE children to love their parents, when said parents might be abusive, exploitative, or in a myriad of other ways harming their offspring? And the same thing with "obey." The rabbis debated this question thousands of years ago. What if a parent tells a child to steal something? Or, God forbid, to kill someone? Is this a direct clash between two of the Ten Commandments, to not steal/kill and to honor your parents? If the rule was "obey them," maybe. But no matter what your parent tries to tell you, it does NOT honor him/her to commit a crime on his/her behalf.

But parenting is tough. Who among us can say, with total certainty, that they got it "right"? I recently read in parenting book: "Perfection is just a word in the dictionary." 

We are not perfect. Being a parent comes with PLENTY of mistakes, losses of tempers, saying of things we did not mean, and other regrets along the way. I've especially found that now, when I am trying this role on for myself, I appreciate (or understand at least) my own parents a lot better. When you're a child, you idolize your mom and dad. As a teenager, everything they do is terrible. Then you make your peace with them and accept them as regular people. And now, as a parent, you see how tough it really is. It can even be restorative; repairing relationships with the previous generation through new ones formed with the next generation. In a sense, that is how we honor our parents, by learning from their successes and failures and trying it on for ourselves.

There is even something oddly satisfying about knowing my child isn't commanded to love or obey me. It's true, she has no choice but to honor me; I am her father. But I need to EARN her love and respect, it 

isn't due me simply because I carry the title "dad." We work tremendously hard, as parents, to get it right, to be the best parents possible. We fall short. Then we try again, and we hope to get it right the next time. Ultimately, I think commandment #5 is really cleverly worded: The text supports our efforts, while also challenging us to keep striving to be better. The Torah will reward us when we succeed, but really the reward comes in the parenting experience itself. And so, when Caroline said "I love you, daddy" for the first time, unsolicited, the feeling was truly indescribable. Honor is nice, but man, that love is something else!

Photos in this blog post:
1. CC image courtesy of Dauster on Wikimedia Commons
2. CC image courtesy of Electron on Wikimedia Commons
3. CC image courtesy of Undead Warrior on Wikimedia Commons
4. Silliness. :-)