What Does Judaism Mean
To YOU? (RASHA)
I changed
my mind. This is, after all, the season of t'shuvah, of repentance, of turning
around; so I should be allowed to rethink my positions, no? Well, I’ve changed
my mind… about guilt. I don't believe in Guilt Free Judaism anymore! Really,
it's for two reasons: First of all, too many people have been telling me it's
an oxymoron, that 'Guilt Free Judaism' is like saying 'fat free ice cream' or
'airplane food.' I now agree that Judaism isn’t Judaism without the guilt. It’s
too intrinsic, too ingrained in all of us. And second, I've started to worry
what might be lost if we subscribe to Guilt Free Judaism. How will we make
minyan in the mornings? Will anyone take positions on our synagogue board? Will
people contribute to our High Holiday appeal. I could be imploding our entire
community if I continue to advocate Guilt Free Judaism; it’s just too
dangerous!
Maybe
instead, we should just forget about all that silly stuff I said on Rosh Hashanah,
and talk about what we LIKE about feeling guilty. It can... motivate us to try
harder! It can... get us to do things we didn't really THINK we wanted to do,
but once we started doing them, they weren't so bad. It can make us more
responsible. We might prefer to think of ourselves, and only focus on our own
needs, but guilt really CAN nudge us to open our hearts to other people, and
other causes. Like those commercials on TV about the World Wildlife Fund or
children who are starving. They fill those spots with images of sad, pitiful
things, to tug at our heart strings and make us feel guilty if we DON’T help…
and it works, doesn't it? At least until we change the channel... There’s no
question that guilt is extremely powerful; so maybe we SHOULD embrace it. If
you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?
Let's pause
for a second though, and talk about what guilt really IS. If we're going to
start endorsing it now, we should have a clearer understanding of what we're
talking about, so we're all on the same page. I was going to read you the
dictionary definition, until I recently read that words like 'twerk' and
'frenemy' are now official, and the dictionary kind of lost a little bit of
credibility in my eyes... I mean, did you hear that there's now an accepted alternate
meaning for the word 'literally'? "Used for emphasis, while not being
literally true.' So the word ‘literally’ doesn't literally mean 'literally' any
more… That LITERALLY makes my head explode!!
Anyway,
let's get back to developing a better understanding of 'guilt.' It affects us
in so many different ways. It permeates our history, our past, referring to
that sense of responsibility or remorse that we feel regarding something we did
wrong, or which we, or others, perceived as an offense. We cannot change the
past, but perhaps the guilt can motivate us to correct behaviors today? So that
can be good, no? In the present, it can be a choice we're making right now
because of the fear of embarrassment, or being thought of as rude or strange.
We worry what it would look like to others if we didn't dress appropriately, or
give someone the right of way in traffic, or hold a door open before exiting.
So there, guilt is almost like a social lubricant; keeping everyone in line,
courteous and polite. Guilt can even affect the future, the worry about what
others WILL say or do, or the repercussions we MIGHT someday face. So we adjust
our behavior today, because of what may happen sometime down the line.
Guilt can
truly affect our past, present, and future, all in an attempt to keep us
honest, to 'incentivize' our behavior, and compel us to do what’s expected of
us. Guilt kind of helps society run smoother! I mean, where would we be without
it?!?
There's a
provocative Midrash, a rabbinic story, that illustrates the 'subtlety,' shall
we say, of this approach. According to this Midrash, when the Israelites were
standing at Mount Sinai, deliberating about whether to accept the 613
Commandments that God was just, you know, lightly nudging in their direction,
God 'lovingly' lifted the mountain itself into the air, up over their heads,
and said 'if you accept these laws today, then you shall live. If not, then I
drop the mountain on you.' Needless to say, our ancestors eagerly accepted the
yoke of the commandments. I’m not saying that guilt is a mountain of
expectations, pressures, and burdens; just that our ancestors weren’t
necessarily excited about taking on all these new obligations. They needed a
little ‘light’ encouragement, and the result of which is that we’re all here
today, still connected to our Jewish heritage. Sure, it also comes with the
weight of Jewish guilt, but maybe that’s the price we pay for admission. What’s
wrong with that?
Ok, so
maybe I'm not doing the greatest job convincing you of why guilt is fabulous,
but tonight is Kol Nidrei, if you aren't meant to feel guilty tonight, when ARE
you?!? On the very first page of tonight's service, almost the FIRST prayer the
Cantor chanted, we were declaring that all of us here tonight are basically
just a big bunch of sinners. It's right there, on the bottom of p. 204.
You all
came here this evening, dressed up beautifully, prepared for one of the holiest
services of the year, and the first thing we did is made you feel bad for all
the sins you’ve committed. The entire Kol Nidrei service, in fact, is about
using guilt to make us change our behavior. If that doesn’t prove that guilt is
great, I don’t know what does!
(Sigh)
You're not fooled, are you? You know I haven't really changed my mind at all,
and I don't actually think guilt is wonderful. You're right. I don't. Though I
should probably state it explicitly, so there's no confusion, and you don't
leave thinking I either lost my mind, or that Jewish guilt is actually
terrific. It isn’t. Not at all. So let me again be clear, I haven't changed my
mind about guilt, not even a little.
Tonight's
sermon, like my two main sermons at RH and tomorrow morning's as well, is
inspired by the Four Children of the Passover Seder. Of course, we call them
'Children', so we don't have to look too carefully at what they're saying, when
really all four are speaking directly to us, and represent OUR emotions and
struggles throughout life. You may also have already guessed that this D'var
Torah is linked to the second of the four children, the Rasha, the Wicked
Child. Though I never liked that term. Perhaps we could say 'the Contrary
Child,' that doesn't sound as bad as 'wicked' or 'evil.' What a terribly bad
rap the second child gets in our Haggadah! Like a rebellious teenager, who is
being a nay-sayer just for the sake of being different and disagreeable, the
Contrary Child defiantly states, 'what does all THIS mean to YOU?' 'To you,' he
says, to everyone else in the family, but NOT to him. (I just want to stop and point
out that I made the child male in this D'var Torah, but girls can still be
rebellious teenagers too!) And the anonymous voice of the parent in our
Haggadah responds, 'if you'd have been a slave in Egypt, God never would have
freed you!!'
And the
reader, you and me, we are left stunned and horrified. Really? That's what you
would say to your own child? That God would leave you to languish in slavery
because you're being a teenager, who is rebelling because, I don't know, you're
a teenager, and it's part of your job description! How could you say such a
thing to a child?? On Rosh Hashanah, I told you that the third child, the
so-called Simple One, isn't really that simple at all. And here too, the text
is in fact deceiving us, presenting a scenario that has SO much more depth than
we initially gave it credit. Look at the facts:
1.
The child is here, at the
Seder table. That's got to count for something, no? He's not at a party, or
with his friends, or getting into trouble. He's participating in the rituals.
2.
He's asking questions. Sure,
he had a snippy tone in his voice, but YOU'RE the parent! You've got to see
through that, try (hard as it may be) to have some patience, and realize that
the child is actually asking real questions: "What does this mean to you?
I feel outside, I feel forgotten. The Torah doesn't understand me, and my life,
and what I'm going through. Show me it DOES care about me." And how do we
respond, by slamming the door in his face. By scaring him and threatening that
he'd be left behind by God. And with guilt, once again, mean, unkind, and harsh
guilt.
3.
And 3) You may not realize
this, but the so-called Rebellious Child, the wicked, evil, contrary,
turn-your-back-on-your-people kid, he's actually quoting the Torah! His hurtful
obnoxious line, 'What does this mean to YOU??' is actually STRAIGHT out of the
Torah! Exodus, 12:26-27 says: "And when your children ask you: 'What does
this ritual mean to you?' you shall say, 'It is the Passover sacrifice to
Adonai, because God passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt when God
smote the Egyptians, but saved our homes.'" So this is, in actuality, a
pretty knowledgeable kid. Maybe his parents forced him to go to a traditional
Hebrew School or Yeshiva, and even though he learned something, he's pretty
resentful. I guess he should have tried our new Mispallelim educational
model...
So yes,
tonight I am truly inspired by the Rasha, by the Contrary Child. I began by
taking a contrary position, because I wanted to highlight for you how pervasive
guilt can be. And that there ARE arguments that one can make, to justify why
guilt is good.
We DO feel
tremendous remorse for things we wish we could have changed or done differently
or said differently. We feel horrible about letting money get between family
members and friendships, and we do worry about what everyone will think or say
about us. And even here at the synagogue, we sometimes do fear that our minyan
will die out, that no one will want to step up and take a leadership position,
or that we'll fall short of our fundraising goals, and be unable to do the
things we'd hoped to do as a community. Guilt is here.
We
sometimes feel like we are indeed standing in services as a congregation of
sinners, racked with all these tough feelings of wrongdoings and mistakes,
fears and failures.
But we need
to look deeper, as we've done with the Contrary Child. We are so much more than
just rebellious and wicked. We too are HERE, we're at the proverbial table, and
we WANT to be included. We WANT Judaism to speak to us, today on Yom Kippur we
HAVE the audacity, the chutzpah, to say 'I want You, God, to speak to me!!!' And
it's ok. We can be contrary. We are indeed allowed to feel vulnerable and
disillusioned; maybe even fed up with religion. It's ok. That too is allowed,
and it's even welcomed here. I DO want to hear about your struggles, I DO want
to know what ails you, what hurts you. You can feel lost and frustrated, angry
and upset, but also know that you will NOT receive the response given to the
Rebellious Child; you will NOT be left behind, enslaved to your own feelings of
shame and guilt.
In his book
‘American Savage,’ author and sex-advice columnist, Dan Savage, has a very
emotional chapter called ‘At a loss,’ about the death of his mother, and his
relationship with the Catholic Church. Savage talks about how frustrating it
is, as a gay man, in a same-sex marriage, with a teenage son, to be rejected by
the Catholic Church, to have religion turn its back on him. He writes beautifully:
“Some part of me wants the Church to want me back. I want the option of going
back. Not because I believe – I don’t
– but because I ache. I ache for my loss.” I’m sure a lot of people would
describe Dan Savage as the Rebellious Child, and I think he’d even enjoy that
title. But it’s also true that the Church, that religion, and even us here in
the synagogue, we all SHOULD want these people back. If anyone – ANYONE – is
reaching out for connection, our arms should be wide open to receive them back.
Free of guilt. When we shut out people like Dan Savage, we're all poorer for
it.
We've
talked about what guilt IS. And on Rosh Hashanah we also talked about what
Judaism is, or at least what Judaism means to us, what it CAN mean to us. In
order to move forward, and to continue to work on Guilt Free Judaism (because
we DO still want to work towards it, even though it may sometimes STILL feel
like an oxymoron...), it is important to know what guilt is, and what Judaism
is, so that we can begin to separate them out from one another.
I was
talking about this theme with Cindy Hoffman, when she was writing our press
release about the High Holidays. Cindy is our External Publicity Chair, and she
and I were talking about this theme, Guilt Free Judaism, when it was still in
its fledgling stages. And Cindy said to me that when she works with people on
preparing for interviews, she starts out by talking to them about what an
interview is NOT, in order to then begin to understand what an interview IS. I
like that concept. I think it does help us shed some of the misunderstandings,
some of our biases and stereotypes, and really focus in on the heart of the
matter. Now we've already talked some about what Judaism IS; people's six-word
phrases about what forms the basis of their Jewish identities. We're not done,
we're still working on it, and I think at this stage it is indeed helpful to
think about what Judaism is NOT:
We are NOT
Jewish simply so that Hitler won’t win. I've heard that phrase before, and it
makes me sad. Of course Hitler shouldn't win, but what kind of foundation are
we laying down, on which to build a love of religion that can be passed from
one generation to another, if it starts with defiance, anger, and vengeance? We
SHOULD carry our history with us. Tomorrow, during our service, we will pause
to reflect on the Eileh Ezkerah, a part of the service devoted to the martyrs
who have died for their beliefs. But that cannot be the basis of our Judaism,
it will poison the foundation, and wind up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We should
NOT be Jewish because our great-grandparents would roll over in their graves if
we weren’t. You cannot live for someone else. Great-grandparents, grandparents,
parents, siblings, even children. Judaism is trying to speak to YOU. God is
seeking a relationship with each and every one of us. We cannot live our lives
for another, and we cannot subscribe to a set of religious beliefs for someone
else. You have to live your own life, and live it with pride and
self-compassion.
We should
also NOT be members of a Jewish community for anyone but ourselves; not for
another family member, a friend, or a neighbor. I started out by talking about
my fears that Guilt Free Judaism would mean our community would be depleted.
That statement (which, again, was intended to be contrary, I don’t actually
believe it), implied that you're only here, paying dues and participating in
our community, out of guilt. That shouldn't be true. I really HOPE it isn’t
true. Even though I wasn't serious about changing my mind at the start of my
D'var Torah, it is still kind of true that trying to release you of guilt could
come back to haunt me.
Like if I
ever DO need a tenth person for our minyan, and ask someone standing in the
hallway, they might reply, 'I thought it wasn't about making people feel
guilty!'
But you
know what? It's worth the risk. Yeah, people might throw my own words back at
me, when I ask them to do something. But I'll take my chances. It's TOO
important that you NOT feel like the Contrary Child, spurned by a parent for
asking a pretty reasonable, and Biblically-based question. It's too important
that you should know that Judaism accepts you, with all your struggles and
challenges, all your feelings of anger and frustration, and is totally, totally
fine with the choices that you make. You truly don’t have to conform to someone
else’s expectations or standards.
So I guess
I haven't changed my mind. I still think we can all spend the rest of this year
working on achieving Guilt Free Judaism, even though we're also very, VERY
likely to be right back here a year from now, once again referring to ourselves
as a bunch of guilt-ridden sinners. Why? Because we'll be striving to be a
little more honest with ourselves, and with one another. We'll be just a small
step closer to our authentic selves, and a bit more connected to all four of
the children who are vying for attention within our own psyches.
And maybe,
just maybe, I've instead changed YOUR mind. And you're no longer looking at me
skeptically, still thinking Guilt Free Judaism is an oxymoron. Because it's a
process and a journey. If we learn to accept that the Rebellious Child is truly
in all of us, and that Judaism is not defined for us by what it is not, or by
what WE are not, but rather by who we are - and all of the complex parts of
ourselves that go with that - then I think Guilt Free Judaism is a very real
place we can get to.
And I KNOW
that you could start to see that too... if you'd just stop being so negative
and contrary already!! Geez!
Shanah
Tovah!
No comments:
Post a Comment