Ki Tisa: A Golden Opportunity

Don't you find the Golden Calf story inspiring? I think it is often misunderstood as an embarrassing blemish on our communal history, when really we should see it as an opportunity. Before Moses came
down the mountain to find the people reveling in their idolatrous worship of a giant veal, God had instructed Moses to take from each person a half-shekel as tribute for the building of the Tabernacle. Let's call that 'the Building Fund.' Each person was also told to pay a 'ransom,' which we'll call 'membership dues.' And after the Golden Calf incident occurred, Moses smashed the Tablets and returned back to the mountain to speak to God. At that point, God said to Moses (and I'm paraphrasing a bit), "Behold, this is a stiff-necked people... and they obviously have too much gold to play around with. Increase their dues!" This, to me, is an inspiring message for any synagogue to hear.

Here at Ohev Shalom, we have taken this to heart. However, rather than increase our dues directly, we thought we would explore an out-of-the-box alternative that will both increase membership participation and commitment, as well as the ransom... I mean, voluntary contribution, of individual member families. This will take place in three distinct areas:

1) Fee for services. Starting with the High Holidays next year, we will begin to charge for religious services, lifecycle events, and other similar synagogue offerings.
And I do think it's important to note that this includes ALL dealings with clergy members. Handshakes during Shabbat services will cost $1, conversation during the Kiddush luncheon will run about $5/90 seconds of listening, smiling, and nodding, and receiving a "Mazal Tov," "Yasher Koach," or "Shabbat Shalom" during services will cost $10; $18 if you'd also like some emotion and excitement. A list of additional exciting and reasonably priced services will be distributed over the summer.

2) 'Minor' penalty-fees for transgressions. I'm particularly excited about this one. I am confident that we will finally improve the level of Hebrew fluency, once we begin to charge $2 for every mispronounced word during services; $8 if you get a word wrong on the bimah. Synagogue meetings will become so much more efficient, after we begin instituting a $4 fee to offer a comment. Either we'll bring in a lot more money for the shul, or meetings will be over in 10 minutes; either way, the synagogue wins! Other religious infractions will be assessed in increments of $6.13, to remind you that you've been violating one of God's 613 Commandments. What a great way for people to remember how many mitzvot we have!

And finally, 3) Product placement. In an effort to bring in additional funds, the synagogue will now be showcasing some wonderful corporate sponsorships. Starting at the High Holidays, the rabb will be sponsored by Hebrew National hotdogs. My tallit will be embroidered with a tasteful 11x14 sign, with an ad for Hebrew National, featuring the tagline, "We answer to this guy!" The Cantor will be sponsored by Yahoo!, and will randomly be shouting out their famous catchphrase during every service. Soon you will all be able to look forward to our
new call to prayer, "Barechu-hoo!" And our incoming president, Matt Tashman will be sponsored by Mr. Clean. (They called us, actually) One major sponsor that we're all excited about is Apple, who will be replacing all our siddurim with the new iPad 3. As you probably know by now, the new iPad comes with an anti-sleep system, otherwise only found in the newest car models, but which will be tremendously helpful for keeping everyone alert and attentive during services.

So many wonderful new innovations and improvements, all inspired by the Golden Calf! Clearly this is a story that should be celebrated and praised, rather than denounced and forgotten. Especially on a holiday like Purim, which it coincidentally happens to be today (how fortuitous...), where everything is turned upside down and the world seems to go a little crazy; what a perfect opportunity to reread the Golden Calf incident, and thank it for all the 'golden' opportunities it is giving to our community.

Chag Purim Sameach - Have a wonderful holiday! (That greeting will cost you $10, just make it out to the 'Rabbi's Indiscretionary Fund'...)

Photos in this blog post:

1. CC image courtesy of jasonlam on Flickr

2. CC image courtesy of Aidan Jones on Flickr

3. CC image courtesy of kristin_a (Meringue Bake Shop) on Flickr  

4. Image courtesy of Schulsinger Judaica.