Holiday Commandments? Pour-em Down On Me!!

With all the Guilt-Free Judaism and Accessibility and Warm-n-Welcoming and Relational Judaism that we've been promoting lately, I feel I haven't taken enough time to enforce some rules.

After all, Judaism IS a rule-based religion - we love our "Thou Shalt Not's..." - and I would be remiss if I didn't go over a few crucial commandments that everyone needs to be thinking about. This is especially true for the holiday of Purim that is just around the corner. I think it goes without saying that Purim is a holiday that demands respect, reverence, and awe. So with that in mind, let me draw your attention to some observances that I expect you'll all want to adhere to as carefully and meticulously as possible.

Fast of Esther - This is a minor fast that is observed because Queen Esther herself fasted in anticipation of appealing to King Achashverosh to spare the Jews. She also asked that

all Jews fast on her behalf. It is imperative that EVERYONE observe this fast. You may only break the fast when you've heard the Megillah read in synagogue, and if you are unable to attend on Wednesday night, you may break the fast at Passover. If you get dehydrated and absolutely MUST drink something, please only drink white wine (no red; definitely no rosé), and try to stick to Chardonnays and Rieslings.

Megillah reading & Groggering - All Jews are required to hear the reading of the Megillah. If you cannot make it to synagogue, you can download the reading as a scroll-on-tape and listen on your Kindle or

other iReader. If you do this, please do NOT listen with headphones. During the Megillah reading, everyone MUST grogger when they hear the name "Haman," BUT it is also essential that you hear every word of the Megillah out loud. So make sure you hear the name said out loud, then grogger loudly to erase the memory of having heard it, then complain to the Megillah reader that s/he forgot to say the name "Haman." If they try to say it again, grogger loudly and repeat. If you miss even one instance of the name, or if you cannot clearly hear the final 'n' in his name, restart the Megillah from the beginning. Go back as often as necessary until you've heard the whole thing.

Though most people are familiar with the groggering at Haman's name, many are not familiar with a lesser-known custom regarding the name Mordechai. In the 13th Century,

particularly pious Jews in Europe adopted the tradition that every time they heard the name "Mordechai" in the Megillah reading, they stood up and spun around once; counter-clockwise only. This is in honor of how quickly things "turned around" in the story, and Mordechai made everyone's heads spin. All are expected to observe this ritual at Ohev Shalom, and reading this blog post is considered a visually-binding contract that you too will observe this. Thank you.

Hamentaschen - Each member of your household is required to eat seven (7) Hamentaschen from the beginning of the Jewish month of

Adar until the day after Purim. If you eat one with poppy seed filling, it does not count towards this requirement, and you should probably apologize to someone for putting something so vile in your mouth. Hamentaschen may not contain more than one teaspoon of filling, but also no less than 3/4 of a teaspoon (some rabbinic authorities differ on the minimum, but all agree on the maximum allotment). All fillings must be made from a fruit or nut that grows on a tree, and only in the northern hemisphere. No exceptions.

Costumes - Ideally, everyone should dress in costume from 2:17 p.m.
on the evening of Purim and remain in that same costume (including sleep) until the following evening at 11:51 p.m. If you have to work that day, you may adorn your costume by 2:42 p.m. Acceptable costumes are: 1) Characters from the Megillah story, 2) All Kosher animals (except crickets), 3) Costumes that are puns or clever takes on news stories, 4) Batman. Jews and non-Jews who say the word "Purim" (or think it) are obligated to dress in costume.

Mishloach Manot and Matanot La-evyonim - The Megillah itself mentions the giving of gifts to one another, and the mitzvah of giving money to charitable causes on Purim. Before fulfilling either of these

commandments, it is first essential that clergy members are given expensive gifts. All are obligated. It is then also imperative that you not embarrass friends or neighbors when giving them your "Mishloach Manot" (or Shlach Manos in Yiddish), so religious Jews are expected to drop Purim gifts on one another's doorstep, ring the doorbell, and quickly run away. You may also throw your Mishloach Manot through an open window. Gift baskets must include three Hamentaschen, something organic, a toy of some kind, and at least one item that seems pretentious and too expensive for a gift basket. Also, keep it humble.

Hopefully, adhering to all these rules will make your Purim holiday joyous, festive, spiritual, and a little bit silly. All of these mitzvot are ancient in origin, quite serious, definitely NOT meant as satire or "Purim (joke) Torah," and very, very essential. And if you do indeed observe them all, please e-mail or call me, because I have a very lovely bridge I would like to sell you for a great price.

Happy Purim!!




Images in this blog post:
Various members of our congregation, dressed as the evil Haman. You are commanded to find this images scary and to boo out loud when looking at each picture. I am NOT kidding...