Rosh Hashanah 5774 - Sermon 2

(This is my sermon for the SECOND day of Rosh Hashanah. If you'd like to read the sermon for Day 1 first, you can find it here. Thanks!)

What is the Opposite of Guilt?

(SH'EINO YODEI'A LISHOL)

Shanah Tovah.

Yesterday I introduced my theme for this year's High Holiday sermons, namely 'Guilt Free Judaism.' I also presented the metaphor through which I plan on presenting my four main holiday sermons: The Four Children of the Passover Seder. And I got a few quizzical looks from people yesterday, presumably because they didn't come to Rosh Hashanah services expecting to hear about Passover, and I appreciate how some of you are recreating those puzzled looks for me here today. Thank you for that.

As you may have suspected after yesterday's D'var Torah, my speech, the Passover connection is going to continue into today and further into Yom Kippur as well. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you by talking about Apples and Honey and blowing the Shofar in the spring, during Passover.

I always loved the image that the rabbis painted for us at the Passover Seder of these Four Children asking questions during the meal. It’s presented, inconspicuously, as these four curious kids, just trying to understand what the heck is going on with this whole Seder thing. Yet, each one of them winds up posing to US, a few challenging questions about what WE’RE doing here! It turns out, it isn’t about these four children at all; it’s about you and me, and not going through the motions by rote, year after year. It's an important reminder, both that children play an essential role in our holiday observances, and that we should look at our various traditions, rituals, and laws through the fresh and inquisitive eyes of children. It's easy for us to get complacent, and to start observing our Jewish customs without really thinking much about what we're doing. Along come these four mischievous kids and really force us to answer, not only their questions, but really our own as well.

My favorite of the four children has always been the last one, known in Hebrew as Sh’eino Yodei’a Lishol. Literally, it means 'the one who does not know how to ask.' I find it such a humbling, and human, statement; being so thoroughly lost that we don’t even know how to ask a question. We don't like to acknowledge that we feel this way sometimes, but the reality is that there are always occasions in our lives when we are SO confused, so utterly befuddled and confounded that we do not EVEN know how to ask the first question that it going to start us on the road to begin to understand what we don't know, and eventually move towards some semblance of comprehension. Right? Now, it's not always like that. Sometimes we just don't get it. We're perplexed, but we ask a couple of questions and we start to get a hang of things. But there ARE occasions, even as adults, when we're not sure what the first question should even be to help get out of the utter fog of mystification that we find ourselves in; THAT is Sh’eino Yodei’a Lishol.

Just to give you an example, many of you know that math just ain't my thing. I love rabbinic math, like when they tell you there are 10 commandments, but when you start counting you either get to 9 or 12. Or they tell you there are four essential truths you need to know, and then list 5. Oddly enough, I GET rabbinic math. But algebra, geometry, and calculus; terrifying! So I just made sure to pick a profession where it's not essential that I bring a calculator or an abacus, and most of the time I'm fine. But it does occasionally intrude into my little rabbinic world. Like when we review the synagogue budget information at Executive Committee and Board of Directors' meetings. In fact, next month I've asked Matt to offer a tutorial to 'all' the new board members who are confused about these B&A, P&L, whosiwhatsit's. And maybe one or two other board members will come to make me feel better, but we all know for whom this tutorial has really been set up... I look at the information before me, and I’m not even sure what my first question is to start making sense of it all!

But it can be freeing to admit this. Society tells us NEVER to do that, to never use terms like 'I don't know.' Fake it, till you make it, we say! Never ADMIT that you're confused!! But that can be SUCH a burden. Yesterday we talked about the weight that we carry around with us, the heavy load that guilt can constitute when we allow it to drag us down. Sh’eino Yodei’a Lishol, admitting that we're hopelessly lost, invites connection. It allows us to be vulnerable, to maybe even laugh at ourselves a bit, and then accept help from another to begin that long journey towards comprehension. The research professor, Brené Brown, whom I’ve spoken about from this pulpit before, writes about this in her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”: “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame.” Vulnerability is SUCH a crucial emotion, and one that we generally think of as a four-letter-word, or a sign of weakness and failure. And we feel guilty when we are vulnerable, when we’re less than perfect. Brené Brown admits that even she has to use ‘fake it till you make it’ from time to time, but she likes to think of it as ‘practicing imperfection.’ I think we all need a little practice to get BETTER at being IMperfect…

So how does Sh’eino Yodei’a Lishol relate to today, to the High Holidays? Sometimes we feel stuck at the opposite end of where we want to be. We are lost, and we are in fact so lost, we don't know where to begin to turn around. In Hebrew, we might call that t'shuvah, turning around and beginning to take that first step towards repentance. We feel so FAR away from repentance sometimes, that even that first step, just turning around, and exposing ourselves by saying ‘I’m sorry,’ without qualifying it or laughing it off, feels impossible. We don’t even know how to take that first step.

Guilt can permeate our lives, and we feel so saturated with it, it's hard to know where to start, in our attempts to move away from it. Perhaps we need to begin by freeing ourselves, by just acknowledging how much guilt infuses everything? Brené Brown refers to the hard things we DON’T want to talk about. It’s more fun to talk about joy and gladness, maybe the weather or the Phillies (on second thought, no one really wants to talk about the Phillies…). We focus on what’s easy and uncomplicated… but all the while, we aren’t getting to the heart of the matter. And we’re NEVER going to improve, or get out from under that weight, if we don’t talk about the hard things that get in the way. Let's begin by accepting that we're at the other end of the spectrum, and let's talk about what the opposite of that might be.

So what is the opposite of guilt? There's no right answer here, and there's no wrong answer. But it's an interesting little question, no? A good first question for that Passover child, who's been seeking just a question to get him or herself started. What IS the opposite of guilt, of feeling burdened by so much self-imposed guilt?

Because it is self-imposed really, isn't it? It's not as if what we're wrestling with here is the felony form of guilt, like, ‘I'm racked with guilt because I killed someone/stole/cheated.’ It's imagined guilt; self-inflicted and wholly unkind. That's an important word to me, unkind. We can be so harsh on ourselves, so punishing. This illusory guilt is particularly unkind, because we won't forgive ourselves, and then we feel bad about feeling bad, and the vicious cycle continues. And it can be crippling. So maybe the opposite of guilt has to do with kindness? Kindness towards others, and particularly kindness towards ourself. And don’t be fooled here, folks! Just because we can name it, doesn’t mean it’s easy. This too takes practice, like vulnerability or imperfection. But we’re not going to get ANYWHERE until we admit that a lack of kindness is problematic, and in need of remedy. Perhaps kindness is the opposite of guilt?

The Baal Shem Tov, a very famous rabbi from the 1700s, was considered the founder of Chassidic Judaism, and an expert on the Kabbalah. And he taught about something called the 'Yeitzer Ha-Rah,' the evil inclination that is in all of us. Picture a little devil sitting on your shoulder, and of course you've also got the 'Yeitzer Ha-Tov' on the other shoulder, a little angel. And the Baal Shem Tov said that the Yeitzer Ha-Rah was always trying to get you in trouble. Like talking you into eating just one more little piece of cake, or convincing you to stay up just a little bit later to watch one more episode of the TV show, “Homeland.” (It’s a really good show, ok?!?) The Yeitzer Ha-Rah IS a part of you, it's just not the most kind or forgiving part. The Baal Shem Tov said that, 'More than the Yeitzer Ha-Rah desires that you should sin, it desires that you should feel GUILTY that you sinned.'

The guilt is in some ways WORSE than the sin itself. It's more damaging, because it lasts longer, and allows you to keep punishing yourself, again and again, for something that is in the past, can't be changed, and is so completely human. So maybe the opposite of guilt, according to the Baal Shem Tov, is letting go? Again, related to t’shuvah, to repentance, because we end that vicious cycle. We don’t allow the guilt to fester, to remain in the darkness of our souls, continuing to plague us with ‘what if’s’ or ‘I should have’s.’ Again, we think it’s easier to just not talk about it, to just ‘drop it,’ and move past the sin that was committed. But our Yeitzer Ha-Rah won’t let us drop it, and so we have to recognize the guilt in ourselves FIRST, and then we can begin to let go.

But the opposite of guilt can also be freedom. Freeing ourselves, and freeing another. When someone has been hurt, they sometimes think that refusing to be consoled, or forgive, is empowering. ‘I am in control,’ they might say. ‘I have a right to be hurt, I have a right to refuse forgiveness, and I have a right to demand that the other continue to feel guilty!’ But we’re not just hurting someone else; we’re actually hurting ourselves as well. Again, it is a wound that festers, that languishes. It isn’t made better, and it is once again the Yeitzer Ha-Rah that’s in there, giving us the language of empowerment, entitlement, and righteous indignation. But it hurts. It’s unresolved. And it damages everyone.

So the opposite can be, again, FREEDOM! Release. Like it says on the Liberty Bell, here in Philadelphia, from our Torah, from Leviticus, 25:10: “You shall proclaim liberty throughout the land for all its inhabitants.” It’s a funny word, in the Torah, for ‘liberty.’ It’s not the normal word for ‘freedom,’ either ‘chofesh’ or ‘cheirut,’ like when we say the Israelites were taken from slavery to freedom, ‘Mei-Avdut l’Cheirut.’

(Yeah, I know, I’m back to the Passover story again. I don’t know what’s going on, I can’t help myself!) In Leviticus, it uses a peculiar word, ‘D’ror.’ It’s a hapax legomenon (I love that term!), meaning a word that appears only once in the entire Torah. It can mean ‘liberty,’ or ‘freedom,’ or even ‘release.’ WE need to release ourselves and each other: Summon from the depths of our being the strength to BE free of guilt, and to give that freedom as a gift to one another.

It’s not easy! This word appears once in the Torah, certainly a reminder of how hard it is to recreate! But without it, without liberty and release, we are left without the words to speak; unable to ask even a simple question to figure out how to begin feeling less guilty.

But there isn’t just one opposite of guilt. I told you, there isn’t a right answer and a wrong answer, there are only nuances and choices. Sometimes we need kindness to reduce guilt, sometimes we need to practice letting go, and sometimes we need to just open our arms wide and allow freedom to wash over us! Personally, I like another choice: ‘self-compassion.’ In a way, it is a combination of all the other traits we spoke of; kindness, letting go, and freedom. Dr. Kristin Neff is a researcher and professor at the University of Texas at Austin, and she has a whole website devoted to this, www.self-compassion.org. There, she summarizes self-compassion as three things, self-kindness, common humanity (meaning, the importance of recognizing that it's part of being human, for EVERYONE, to experience suffering, and to feel inadequate), and mindfulness (dealing with our challenges and limitations, but not obsessing over them). Neff writes about how self-compassion is a lot like compassion for other people, except it's often hard to truly accept that we're like everyone else, with the same fears, the same frustrations... the same guilt. It is indeed part of THE human condition. Neff deduces, "The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life."

A friend recently shared with me the term 'analysis-paralysis.' Sometimes when you spend too much time on something, read too much, and now know too much on a subject, it crosses over a threshold from being useful, informative, and empowering, and instead becomes debilitating. I don't want that to happen here. I think analysis-paralysis is what happened to that poor fourth child at the Seder table, listening to endless debates and conversations about Passover, and all that Hebrew being chanted. Lost and overwhelmed by too much information, there isn't even a question left to help get back on track. I hope that isn't the case here.

We know our first question: What is the opposite of guilt? Guilt is up there with shame, fear, perfection, and insecurity - they're all barriers to keep us from ourselves and others, to stop us from feeling connected and in harmony. So what do YOU think is the opposite of guilt? Is it kindness, letting go, freedom, or perhaps self-compassion? Just start with one question, one small change to start moving away from guilt and distance. A simple turn like that can help us achieve real and lasting t'shuvah.

The Baal Shem Tov, our Kabbalistic friend, also taught that t'shuvah, repentence, is process - not accomplishment; journey, not destination. In order to move away from Sh’eino Yodei’a Lishol, from being unable to EVEN ask that first question, we don't need to know the final destination, the total accomplishment. We need only to be WILLING, today, right now, right here in this room, on this holiday, to begin the journey, begin the process. Then Guilt Free Judaism won't seem impossible; it'll be SO close by, just opposite us, in fact. We've just got to turn and look.

Happy Passover - ach, darn it, I'm still stuck! Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year!