Va-Yechi: Learning How to Forgive

About a year ago, a good friend of mine was moving to Germany with her family. She was struggling to reconcile a lot of strong feelings about the experience, and so she and I spent some time discussing her apprehensions, fears, and concerns. In particular, she had family members who had perished in the Holocaust, and she wasn't sure she could spend an extended amount of time there. We had several meaningful and lengthy conversations on the subject, and one of the points that she made was, "I can forgive, but I can never forget."

I thought about that concept a lot. What does it mean to forgive? And how do we decide when to forgive, when to forget, and perhaps when to do neither? These are some of the issues that come to mind when I look at this week's Torah portion. It is the last parasha in the Book of Genesis, and it is also the last story about Abraham's descendants as a family; beginning with Exodus we deal with Israel as a nation. And one of the main stories in this week's reading deals with Jacob's last words to his sons on his death bed.

It could have been a beautiful scene. Jacob has gathered together his family members, and he offers them each a blessing before his life ends. Yet instead, he uses this opportunity to air every grievance and to chastise his progeny! It is somewhat surprising, and a little jarring. And it is also interesting in that Jacob has forgotten NOTHING. When speaking to Simeon and Levi, he rebukes them for violent acts committed decades earlier: "Simeon and Levi are a pair; their weapons are tools of lawlessness. Let not my person be included in their council" (Gen. 49:5-6). He also clearly recalls his son Reuben having slept with one of his father's wives when he states, "For when you mounted your father's bed, you brought disgrace" (Gen. 4:4).

Why would Jacob choose to end his life this way; praising some of his sons, but leaving others feeling embarrassed and unloved? How are they meant to overcome their father's curse once he is dead? I read this text with great sadness for Jacob, who seems unable to forgive his children and die at peace. I also think that too many people learn from Jacob's example, and perpetuate family feuds for generations, allowing them to go to the grave unresolved. And who benefits from that?! Who wins when family members insist on hating one another and refuse to make amends?

Forgiveness is not something we do to let the other person "off the hook." It's not meant to absolve them of guilt. When we travel to Germany and move beyond the generation of the Holocaust, it is not in order to ignore, forget, or in any way trivialize the atrocities that were committed there. We forgive because it is the ultimate act of kindness. We forgive so that we can all move forward and grow towards becoming better people.

And we forgive for ourselves. We forgive so that we can move on, cutting out the wound that would otherwise fester and rot, destroying us from the inside with its venom and hate. Nobody wins when we refuse to reconcile. I cannot believe that Jacob died a peaceful and content man, or that his children could ever forget the dying words of their father. I only hope that we can learn from this to be better, to act better, and to seek reconciliation, peace, and forgiveness in our own lives.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy New Year!